Karaoke to the Death (KttD) is the greatest sporting contest known to mankind. On February 14, 2010, in Alexandria Virginia, the world's worst singers will descend on the Tenth Annual KttD X: St. Valentines Day Massacre. In this series of articles the editors at Dabysan in Hammersmith Palais will look at the performances, characters and traditions that make KttD great.
KttD has seen many amazing performances during its decade as the world's premier bad singing contest. Although the nine performances handed in by KttD Champions rightly gain the highest repute, many worthy non-winning performances have also scorched themselves into the memories of the KttD faithful.
As we enter the historic 10th year of KttD, we look back at the 10 greatest (worst?) performances of all time.
10. Peter -- Lady in Red (Chris De Burgh) KttD XI
Peter stepped into a strong field as a complete unknown and delivered a performance that will be remembered forever in KttD lore. While his smarmy, tinny, affected rendition of "Lady in Red" may not have won on that February night, it did make everyone who heard it profoundly uncomfortable, and that's what KttD is all about.
9. Hotrod -- No One (Alicia Keys) KttD IX
This was the performance that cemented Hotrod as the winningest champion in KttD History. While not his worst of all time, it was repugnant, and played both on Hotrod's shyness and discomfort and his terribly limited vocal "range."
8. Matayas -- This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) (Natalie Cole) KttD IX
It may not have won KttD IX, but discerning KttD listeners remember it as the worst song of the night. That Matayas appears twice on this list, and has never been crowned KttD Champion tells you all you need to know about this awesome, but under-appreciated competitor.
7. Doc Paradox -- Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) KttD II
Although he didn't know he was competing, Doc Paradox delivered an historic performance in the second ever KttD. His performance of Bohemian Rhapsody is the only performance in the history of the contest to have spawned its own rule (initially an outright ban on songs by the band Queen, it evolved into KttD's stipulation that previous winning songs cannot win again). It remains the greatest performance of the pre-modern era KttD.
6. Dabysan -- If You Leave Me Now (Chicago) KttD V
One of the founding fathers of KttD, Dabysan has struggled to win the contest he helped to create. While capable of singing with the worst of them, Dabysan's natural enjoyment of the spotlight has been a recurring issue. Add in the fact that he can occasionally stumble onto a true note, and you have a KttDer staring down the barrel of obsolescence. But in 2005, Dabysan stunned the world, courtesy of the perfect song for his loud, deep and highly limited voice.
5. Aussie Bob -- Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack) KttD VIII
Although arguably not the worst performance of the night, Aussie Bob's championship rendering of Roberta Flack's classic "Killing Me Softly" was awfully bad. Like Emma Peel, A. Bob is truly tone deaf, and cripplingly shy to boot. Under the steely boot heel of manager and svengali Jen, he trained like a Russian heavyweight and delivered a plodding performance that had attendees praying for the end.
4. Matayas -- Barracuda (Heart) KttD VIII
This is the highest ranking non-winning performance to appear on the all-time top ten and frankly, it could even stand to be ranked a little bit higher. In 2008, Matayas was an unknown: a KttD newcomer with a powerfully unpleasant voice and merciless willingness to inflict it on strangers. In the modern KttD era, no newcomer has ever won Lord Ramsey's Cup. Her opponent -- eventual KttD VIII winner Aussie Bob -- had the advantage of familiarity and a relentless publicity machine. Ironically, Matayas was also a victim of her own stunning (lack of) talent. Her rendition of the song was so bad that some people wrongly suspected her of tanking. History remembers her "Barracuda" as the worst performance of the night, and indeed one of the worst of all time.
3. Hotrod -- Wild Boys (Duran Duran) KttD VI
KttD co-founder Hotrod is in a class by himself in the bad karaokeing world. He is the only KttD contender to win multiple championships, including two in KttD's more competitive modern era. Although he has authored many powerfully rotten KttD performances, none sunk to the lows of his whining, simpering version of Duran Duran's unheralded b-side "Wild Boys." It was the perfect song for Hotrod's reedy vocal stylings, and was the iconic representation of Hotrod's long-running collaboration with manager, and life coach Vanna.
2. Emma Peel -- Sussudio (Phil Collins) KttD VII
When she first took the KttD stage in the Emma Peel represented a new, more evolved breed of KttD Competitor. While previous champions had been bad singers, Emma was the first KttD contender to bring true, certifiable tone deafness to the KttD stage. It was only a matter of time before she married her stunningly discordant instrument with the right song. It all came together in 2007, when Emma stunned the world with her caterwauling version of the execrable Sussudio.
1. "Lord" Bill Ramsey -- Private Dancer (Tina Turner) KttD III
This is the KttD Performance by which all other KttD performances are judged...and found wanting. For those not familiar with the story, Bill, a large, introverted southern fellow, who had been drinking jaggermeister since noonish, had fully intended to sing Guns 'n Roses' "Paradise City," when, for whatever reason he switched his vote to Tina Turner's first person tale of a careworn prostitute. His performance was simply loathsome. Nobody in the room could even look at him, and I spent most of the song trying to disappear in my seat, lest anyone assume -- correctly -- that I knew him. Everything from voice, to subject matter, to stage presence combined to make the entire audience supremely uncomfortable. Nobody laughed, nobody clapped, and we were already walking the trophy to the stage before the last dying strains of the song mercifully faded to silence.
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