The Best of the Worst: All-Time KttD Performances

Karaoke to the Death (KttD) is the greatest sporting contest known to mankind. On February 14, 2010, in Alexandria Virginia, the world's worst singers will descend on the Tenth Annual KttD X: St. Valentines Day Massacre. In this series of articles the editors at Dabysan in Hammersmith Palais will look at the performances, characters and traditions that make KttD great.

KttD has seen many amazing performances during its decade as the world's premier bad singing contest. Although the nine performances handed in by KttD Champions rightly gain the highest repute, many worthy non-winning performances have also scorched themselves into the memories of the KttD faithful.

As we enter the historic 10th year of KttD, we look back at the 10 greatest (worst?) performances of all time.

10. Peter -- Lady in Red (Chris De Burgh) KttD XI

Peter stepped into a strong field as a complete unknown and delivered a performance that will be remembered forever in KttD lore. While his smarmy, tinny, affected rendition of "Lady in Red" may not have won on that February night, it did make everyone who heard it profoundly uncomfortable, and that's what KttD is all about.

9. Hotrod -- No One (Alicia Keys) KttD IX

This was the performance that cemented Hotrod as the winningest champion in KttD History. While not his worst of all time, it was repugnant, and played both on Hotrod's shyness and discomfort and his terribly limited vocal "range." 

8. Matayas --  This Will Be (An Everlasting Love) (Natalie Cole) KttD IX

It may not have won KttD IX, but discerning KttD listeners remember it as the worst song of the night. That Matayas appears twice on this list, and has never been crowned KttD Champion tells you all you need to know about this awesome, but under-appreciated competitor.

7. Doc Paradox -- Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) KttD II  

Although he didn't know he was competing, Doc Paradox delivered an historic performance in the second ever KttD. His performance of Bohemian Rhapsody is the only performance in the history of the contest to have spawned its own rule (initially an outright ban on songs by the band Queen, it evolved into KttD's stipulation that previous winning songs cannot win again). It remains the greatest performance of the pre-modern era KttD.

6. Dabysan -- If You Leave Me Now (Chicago) KttD V

One of the founding fathers of KttD, Dabysan has struggled to win the contest he helped to create. While capable of singing with the worst of them, Dabysan's natural enjoyment of the spotlight has been a recurring issue. Add in the fact that he can occasionally stumble onto a true note, and you have a KttDer staring down the barrel of obsolescence. But in 2005, Dabysan stunned the world, courtesy of the perfect song for his loud, deep and highly limited voice.  

5. Aussie Bob -- Killing Me Softly (Roberta Flack) KttD VIII

Although arguably not the worst performance of the night, Aussie Bob's championship rendering of Roberta Flack's classic "Killing Me Softly" was awfully bad. Like Emma Peel, A. Bob is truly tone deaf, and cripplingly shy to boot. Under the steely boot heel of manager and svengali Jen, he trained like a Russian heavyweight and delivered a plodding performance that had attendees praying for the end. 

4. Matayas -- Barracuda (Heart) KttD VIII

This is the highest ranking non-winning performance to appear on the all-time top ten and frankly, it could even stand to be ranked a little bit higher. In 2008, Matayas was an unknown: a KttD newcomer with a powerfully unpleasant voice and merciless willingness to inflict it on strangers. In the modern KttD era, no newcomer has ever won Lord Ramsey's Cup. Her opponent -- eventual KttD VIII winner Aussie Bob -- had the advantage of familiarity and a relentless publicity machine. Ironically, Matayas was also a victim of her own stunning (lack of) talent. Her rendition of the song was so bad that some people wrongly suspected her of tanking. History remembers her "Barracuda" as the worst performance of the night, and indeed one of the worst of all time.        

3. Hotrod -- Wild Boys (Duran Duran) KttD VI

KttD co-founder Hotrod is in a class by himself in the bad karaokeing world. He is the only KttD contender to win multiple championships, including two in KttD's more competitive modern era. Although he has authored many powerfully rotten KttD performances, none sunk to the lows of his whining, simpering version of Duran Duran's unheralded b-side "Wild Boys." It was the perfect song for Hotrod's reedy vocal stylings, and was the iconic representation of Hotrod's long-running collaboration with manager, and life coach Vanna.  

2. Emma Peel -- Sussudio (Phil Collins) KttD VII

When she first took the KttD stage in the  Emma Peel represented a new, more evolved breed of KttD Competitor. While previous champions had been bad singers, Emma was the first KttD contender to bring true, certifiable tone deafness to the KttD stage. It was only a matter of time before she married her stunningly discordant instrument with the right song. It all came together in 2007, when Emma stunned the world with her caterwauling version of the execrable Sussudio.

Tina Turner - Private Dancer [Live]

 

1. "Lord" Bill Ramsey -- Private Dancer (Tina Turner) KttD III

This is the KttD Performance by which all other KttD performances are judged...and found wanting. For those not familiar with the story, Bill, a large, introverted southern fellow, who had been drinking jaggermeister since noonish, had fully intended to sing Guns 'n Roses' "Paradise City," when, for whatever reason he switched his vote to Tina Turner's first person tale of a careworn prostitute. His performance was simply loathsome. Nobody in the room could even look at him, and I spent most of the song trying to disappear in my seat, lest anyone assume -- correctly -- that I knew him. Everything from voice, to subject matter, to stage presence combined to make the entire audience supremely uncomfortable. Nobody laughed, nobody clapped, and we were already walking the trophy to the stage before the last dying strains of the song mercifully faded to silence.

Comments

[hotrod]

One of my favorite things about karaoke season is all the opportunities I get to correct you.  So here we go:

9. The performance that cemented me as the winningest champion in KttD history was "Wild Boys", because that victory put me one up on everybody else.  Maybe you should look up what winningest means.

4. You actually have Matyas' performances backwards.  "Barracuda" wasn't as bad as "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)"

3. "Wild Boys" was not a b-side.  Actually it was one of Duran Duran's biggest hits.  It reached #2.

2. As bad as "Sussudio" was, Emma's performace the following year (which inexplicably does not make this list) of "Somebody's Baby" was much, much worse.  It deserves a spot here.  Let's remove "If You Leave Me Now" to make room for it.

1. Bill's first song choice was "Rawhide" he sang "Paradise City" in KttD II and failed to make an impression on the voters.  And he didn't start doing the Jaegermeister shots until the evening, because he spent the day driving home from church camp.

Unmentioned: Peter's rendition of "Hello" was awful too.  It deserves a spot here.  Let's kick off "Killing Me Softly" to make room.

And you got the order all wrong.  So here's the revised - and correct - list:

10. Bohemian Rhapsody
9. The Lady in Red
8. Barracuda
7. Hello
6. No One
5. Sussudio
4. This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)
3. Somebody's Baby
2. Wild Boys
1. Private Dancer

[AmyH]

So how much are we supposed to have prepared/practiced? Do we need to have our songs ahead of time to make sure the karaoke DJ has them? How many songs are we supposed to sing? Is there a rule sheet somewhere?

I don't want to fly across the country only to be DQ-ed. It would be like those sad Olympic stories about the boxer from a tiny country getting stuck in traffic on the bus from the Olympic Village. Those stories make me cry.

[hotrod]

I'm prepared a FAQ to be posted tonight.

[Dabysan]

Frankly, I think you should be happy the judges ranked Wild Boys so highly, since I think it was more of a lifetime achievement nod for your fine career. Matayas may actually belong in the three spot. 

[Dabysan]

There really aren't all that many rules, and it's virtually impossible to be DQed unless you're willfully cheating. The substance abuse policy is also very liberal. 

[AmyH]

Sweet. I'm in. I just need to buy a plane ticket. And maybe beg someone for a lift from (or to) BWI, although the public transport option could be a fun adventure.

Looking forward to some Yuengling, bad singing and general frivolity!

[homebody]

[this is good]

AmyH:  I heard, though, that previously winning songs are disqualified. 

[fake homebody]

I enjoyed reading this list, and this comment counts.

[AmyH]

Whew! None of the songs I want to sing are in there. I'm golden!

I also plan on preparing for battle by not preparing anything ahead of time. I may even pick songs I don't even know, just for the challenge of finding the appropriate melody or pitch.

As if I can find the right pitch, anyway. I'm great on the saxophone, but I can't sing in tune for the life of me. 

[Dabysan]

I must warn you that the not-knowing-the-song gambit usually doesn't work. When you know it, you can really mangle it, but when you don't, you're sometimes too busy staring at the screen to devote your full vocal attention to the performance. 

[AmyH]

Once you hear me sing, you'll be hoping for less than my full vocal attention. 

[hotrod]

That's preposterous.  Matyas deserves to be on the list twice, but not ahead of the second greatest moment in the glorious history of KttD.

[hotrod]

I'll second Daby's opinion that songs the singer doesn't know well usually don't fare too well.  But to each their own.

[M-----l]

Hey this is weird.  This post (the first of Comment War?) didn't show up in my neighborhood feed.

I am truly shitting myself with KttD fear.  I have so many questions and concerns.  My main question is this: If I can get buzzed on two beers and drunk on three, how many should I drink to get sufficiently prepared to sing in front on a bunch of people I sort of know and a gang of scary townies?

(I will hit on inanimate objects after 6 beers, so I hope it's less than that.)

[Dabysan]

I'm a nondrinker, so take this with a grain of salt, but I'm going to say that your magic number is five (5) beers.

I will say that self-shitting fear can be a really effective tool in developing your performance.

For what it's worth, I wrote the KttD substance abuse policy which reads: "Abusing substances is highly encouraged."

Also, we need to get that feed thing fixed. Comment war is upon us and we all need to come in on the side of rightness and truth.

[M-----l]

Regarding the feed, this post is showing up in it now, but it wasn't there when it was originally posted.  I don't understand how it works.  I sometimes have to go to Hotrod's actual Vox to read his posts as they don't show up in the feed either.

How many people can we expect in the building for KttD?

[Dabysan]

It's a very popular bar (among ex- and pre- cons), so figure 150-200 people total. The KttD contingent will be about 30-40. Nobody's been hit by a townie yet, but if you do get assaulted as a direct result of your performance, you automatically win. 

[hotrod]

I haven't had time yet to write my KttD FAQ post, but look for it very soon.  Many - if not most - of your questions should be answered there.  And yes - five beers is your magic number.

[hotrod]

I've decided not to do my "I Coulda Been a Contender" series again this year.  You've pretty much covered all the bases here.

[Dabysan]

FAQ still coming?

[hotrod]

Yes.  Tomorrow, definitely.

[hotrod]

All right.  FAQ is up.