On a cold clear night in Alexandria VA, the world's worst karaoke singers gathered to contest the Tenth Annual Karaoke to the Death X. When the last sour note mercifully ended its sustain, one bad singer -- the incomparable Matayas -- stood triumphant above them all as queen of the bad karaokeing world.
Although Matayas Matyas was a 3:2 favorite going into the evening, KttD X was anything but a cakewalk for the two-time runner up. The Tenth Anniversary saw the largest, most competitive field in KttD's storied history, and produced a half dozen performances that could have easily won in any other year. That Matayas' Matyas' abysmal rendition of the Kenny Loggins and Stevie Nicks classic "Whenever I Call You Friend" was able to rise above the din was testimony to her magnificent lousiness.
"I really don't think I'm that bad," the ever-humble Matyas said during the trophy ceremony. "Surely one of these other hacks was worse than me, right? Right?"
The night got off to a roaring start as KttD co-founder Dabysan took the stage for the first non-townie performance of the evening. KttD X marked the second straight competition in which Dabysan elected to sing first, a risky decision that catches judges cold, and leaves them without a point of reference. Dabysan quickly erased those concerns by singing a screeching rendition of Carrie Underwood's awful "Jesus Take the Wheel."
It was a truly inspired choice for Dabysan, who hadn't factored in the KttD voting since winning KttD V five years prior. The absurd lyrics and dizzying vocal acrobatics of the song proved the perfect counterpoint to Dabysan's high-volume, high-impact sonic assault. Dabysan -- once at risk of fading into obsolescence in the competition he helped to create -- was back, but he picked a bad year to deliver his all-time best performance.
Next up to the Rock It stage was KttD cofounder and current champion Hotrod. Although Hotrod is a three-time KttD Champion, he has been known to slump badly in the years following his victorious performances. He talks a good game about becoming the first-ever repeat champion, but in the past he has grown complacent with Lord Ramsey's Cup resting on his mantle. Adding to the concerns about Hotrod's performance was the absence of his longtime coach-cum-svengali "Colonel Vanna."
But like Dabysan, Hotrod erased any lingering doubts with a barnstorming performance of Sheena Easton's "Strut," which he delivered from his trademark lock-kneed stance and in his distinctive off-key warble. As a performance it was vintage Hotrod, and considered by many attendees to be even worse than his KttD IX winning version of Alicia Keys' "No One".
With those two ear-splitting dirges as the foundation, the night showed tremendous promise, a promise on which it more than delivered.
Next up was KttD VII Champ Emma Peel, another favorite of the Vegas odds makers. Nothing better illustrates the overall strength of the night's performances than the fact that Peel's jerky, tone-deaf interpretation of Hall and Oates "Maneater" didn't even factor in the final voting. The performance was vintage Peel, but on this great night of champions, it would take something unique to take home Lord Ramsey's Cup.
After a game performance of Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" by KttD IV Champion Soo Doh Nim, the KttD faithful got their first glimpse of transcendence as KttD newcomer Liz Judge took the stage. Judge was the highest ranked member of a historically strong rookie class, and she immediately showed why as she took the stage to perform Anita Baker's R&B torch classic "Sweet Love." Judge was everything the KttD field had feared she would be and more. She combined atonal and occasionally consumptive "singing" with gumby-esque stage moves and supreme embarrassment. By the time she was halfway through her song, the stalwart efforts of Hotrod, Dabysan and Emma Peel seemed to fall by the wayside.
Jason P broke the competitive tension with a typically tuneful and well-performed rendition of El Debarge's Rhythm of the Night, which inspired several townies to dance and touch Jason P's hand, but didn't make a dent on the KttD voting bloc.
Next up was the Vox contingent, led off by the brassy and powerful Amy H and her powerhouse rendition of Hot Chocolate's "You Sexy Thing." It was a brilliant song choice for the KttD rookie, and she delivered it with gusto that belied her inexperience. If anything, she was a little too comfortable up there, always a danger for the more extroverted KttDer. M-dashes was up next, and he was clearly not in danger of losing points due to extroversion. His brilliantly chosen "Time of the Season" by the Zombies did a nice job of showcasing both his complete lack of singing talent, and his awkward discomfort on stage. He may not have won, but he certainly made a fool out of those odds makers who had him as a 500:1 underdog.
But the Vox crew may have saved the best for last, as Homebody took the stage to belt out a bone-chilling iteration of the Trashmen's classic "Surfin Bird." Homebody's high, thin voice was completely out of sync with the low flat tones of the original. Taken together with the incredibly long string of nonsense sounds that make up the bulk of the song, her performance may have been the most underrated of the evening.
Her triumphant display may have been overshadowed by the return of the King, or rather, the Lord, as Bill Ramsey himself (the man after whom the KttD Trophy is named) took the stage to perform Patty LaBelle's "Lady Marmalade". Bill, who had not taken the stage since his historic performance at KttD III, immediately showed the KttDing world what made him a legend. Indeed, his performance was so majestically bad, that it prompted some newcomers to question whether the living legend was violating KttD's most sacred rule, by deliberately tanking his performance.
In the opinion of this chronicler, Lord Ramsey's performance was authentically bad, but what really hurt him were not the allegations of tanking, but rather the unfortunate timing of taking the stage just ahead of KttD Favorite Matayas. If Bill was the king of the old KttD guard, Matyas is the high priestess of the New World KttD Order.
For two straight years coming into last night's competition, Matyas had scorched eardrums with performances that could have easily won the cup. At KttD X she showed why she strikes such grave terror in bad singers' hearts. At the muted opening of "Whenever I Call You Friend" it almost seemed that Matyas might be off the pace of her previous performances, delivering the song in a tuneless, but not soul-erasing monotone. But then the chorus hit, and the earth shook.
It is almost impossible to describe the "quality" of Matyas' voice. It is loud. It is high. It is perpetually out-of tune. It never risks drifting into the appropriate key, but that never stops her from trying. It is so miserable, that it is hard to imagine any song that she could sing without inflicting pain. On St Valentine's Day, she put it all together and made every competitor question whether they could still compete in this fast-evolving sport.
At this point, I should make a note about the venue and the DJ. I don't know if it was Valentine's Day or the 20-foot piles of snow blocking every parking space, but townie attendance was significantly down this year. There were enough derelicts to provide appropriate local flavor, but not so many as to clog up the Karaoke rolls, or compete for precious seating space.
The DJ was clear proof that you can't judge a book by its cover, because I'm here to tell you, he had the "cover" of a complete douchebag. But when the rubber hit the road, he was the soul of professionalism, powering through singers with ruthless efficiency. In the entire night he called only one dance break (the bane of the KttDing world) and he worked through the list with such expediency that nearly everyone who wanted to sing a second song was able to do so.
There were more second performances than ever before in KttD history -- some of them quite triumphant -- but none of them ultimately factored in the final voting. I will take a moment to applaud those who voted for me to sing Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant". It was revolting. I hated singing it, and people hated hearing it. On any other night it might have made an impact, but on this night, it wasn't nearly enough.
In the end, it came down to the two new giants of bad Karaoke, Matyas and Judge. Judge posted one of the highest tallies ever recorded by a rookie, but in the end Matyas simply overwhelmed her on her way to the cup. To the victor, the spoils. Excelsior!
The vote:
Matayas: 11 votes
Judge: 8 votes
Hotrod: 4 votes
Dabysan: 3 votes
M-Dashes: 3 votes
Bill: 2 votes
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